Goodbye Bonk

As some of you know we put Bonk to sleep a couple of weeks ago, just before we left on vacation. I have been trying to get my courage up to write this post. This blog is as much for me as for anyone else and so I write this with that in mind.

His cancer had spread and his health was deteriorating. We said when he was in pain or uncomfortable we would make the decision. Unfortunately it didn't quite happen that way. He just slowly began to slip away. He no longer went outside, or ate, or jumped on the bed. He just lay on the floor in the kitchen or the hallway. But he was still happy to see us and welcomed our affection. I think when I returned from Cape Cod it became clear to me that it was time. I think it was harder for Marc. I admit to crying myself to sleep on more than one night as we came closer to the decision. It hurt so much to see this animal that I loved die. After much deliberation and debate we decided it was the right thing to do before we left.

The kids said goodbye to him and then I brought them to a friend's house (thank you Jenn). Jessica had asked if she could come but I selfishly said no. I don't think it would have been right for her and I didn't want to have to worry about anyone other than myself and Bonk. I returned home and Marc met me there. I put Bonk in the cage and he did not resist. He did not make a sound on the entire ride. I thought I had prepared myself for the visit, but I forgot about the "what next" step. They asked if we were going to bring him home, or have him cremated or buried in a pet cemetary. I lost it, I didn't know the answer. I knew we would want to have him here but I didn't think I was strong enough to follow through. Marc said he could do it and wanted to bring him home.

We chose to stay with him during the procedure. It was the right thing to do for us. He was so calm and didn't resist. I like to think that he knew and was ok with it. So we stroked him and talked to him and said goodbye while he slipped away, and then we both sobbed. We returned home and silently went to work. Marc dug a hole in the backyard and I cleaned up the litter box that we had moved upstairs for the last weeks to make it easier on him. I looked out and saw that Marc was done and I went out to join him. I know this is going to make me sound like a crazy cat lady and I am sure dog people won't get it, but we felt like we were burying a child that day. We both loved him so much. He was our first baby. He was the first thing that made us a family. In some ways I fear we did the kids a disservice by not letting them see us grieve. But the fact is that I just didn't want to have to worry about them or their feelings when I was in so much pain myself.

I have had a few cats, but Bonk was the best. He had a great personality. For many years, until the kids came, he and I slept together every night. He would tuck his head under my chin and I would throw my arm around him and we both slept that way. If we hadn't gotten him inside before bed I often had trouble falling asleep. Many times I would get up at 2am and call him inside, as much for me as for him. I miss his presence every day.

When we returned home from vacation it was around 10pm. Jessica and Marc walked into the house first. As I entered I heard Jessica calling for Bonk and then she turned to Marc and said, "Daddy where is Bonk?". You see, she knew he would have greeted us first thing when we arrived home and it was so strange that he wasn't there. We had to remind her that he was gone.

I was going to put together a bunch of pictures but unbeknownst to me Marc had already begun creating a video tribute himself. I am having problems embedding it so here it is Bonk Video